


Cara Mia

by Moonllotus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: African American!Peter, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Background Jily, Brace yourselves, F/M, I'm not here to hurt you, Jewish!Remus, Longing, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor Character Death, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, New York City, Past Romance, Professor Remus Lupin, Texting, This may sting a little, Trigger Warnings, Unhealthy Relationships, Wolfbuck Friendship, Writer Sirius BLack, desi!james, everyone's american, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-01-31 19:07:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18597571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonllotus/pseuds/Moonllotus
Summary: “Are you still with that boyfriend that you hate?” Sirius’ eyes flashed silver in the dim light as he tilted his head down toward Remus. His smile was full of sinful promises.Remus gulped. He had forgotten. He had become complacent with life. Sirius was as bright as his namesake and Remus felt as if he was suddenly crashing into him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to **[FivePips](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips)** for helping out with this first chapter!!!
> 
>  **RANDOM FACT** : _Cara Mia_ translates to _My Darling_.

“I think we should see other people.”

Out of all the things he was expecting on this Wednesday night, this was not one of them. He had thought that his boyfriend was going to push for a threesome again. Something that hadn’t gone over well the first time when he realized that the man he had chosen as their third had gone and flirted with Remus the entire time. They had not gone through with it once it was obvious how that night was going to go.

Remus stared at his boyfriend. Sure, he and Gilderoy had been in a rut lately, and he had been on the verge of ending it himself a few times now. He hadn’t expected _Gilderoy_ to end it, the man had always seemed content with the eye-candy that Remus’ provided. Remus made Gilderoy look good, and this was not how Remus imagined their night going.

He glanced over at Gilderoy, taking in his boyfriend’s (ex-boyfriend’s?) perfectly symmetrical face. The way his blond hair was elegantly swept off of his forehead, the way his ice blue eyes twinkled under the dim lighting of the restaurant. He was pretty in a way that reminded Remus of a Ken doll. This was often the topic of discussion between his friends - how plastic Gilderoy was. Even now, with a perfectly frozen yet polite smile thrown Remus’ way. As if they were strangers.

“Did you bring me here to prevent a scene?” Remus asked, placing his cutlery down with more force than necessary before swallowing the rest of his glass of wine. It tasted like sour grapes. He actually really hated wine.

“I’m moving to Germany for a film that I’ve gotten the lead role for,” Gilderoy stated. _When the Hell did this happen?_ “I know you love me, but I don’t want to hurt you by being away on location. I want to keep my options open too, not that I’ll cheat on you, but I won’t be this young and fit forever.”

Remus couldn’t recall ever saying that he was in love with Gilderoy. The man across from him had been decent company, but a poor substitute for who Remus actually wanted. Not that it mattered now. Maybe Remus deserved this, he was a shit boyfriend.

Gazing around the establishment they were dining at, Remus took it all in as he processed the fact he was being broken up with. Everything was rococo style, overly ornate and brightly colored. Christ, there was even a woman playing the harp on a slightly raised stage. Everything about this was so pretentious and entirely Gilderoy, he was the exact opposite of Remus. They rarely had anything in common. How did their relationship last a year?

Without uttering a single word regarding what Gilderoy had just said, Remus stood up and left the restaurant. Not bothering to look back once. Actually, he was relieved that Gilderoy had the stones to end it. Still, Remus was angry. More with himself than with Gilderoy. He couldn’t find it in him to care much about his now ex-boyfriend.

As soon as he made it home, he flopped down onto his couch, brought his pillow up to his face, and screamed. “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK!” It was muffled but it helped dissipate the rage, leaving him boneless and emotionally exhausted.

His phone was pinging, probably Gilderoy asking him where he had gone. Probably furious at being foot the bill at the bourgeois restaurant. Honestly, everything there was so fake and Remus was still hungry despite having eaten a majority of his tiny meal.

After laying on the sofa for a few minutes, Remus reached for his phone. He proceeded to order pizza once he deleted the unopened text from Gilderoy. Then he sat and stared at nothing for a moment. What was he going to do now? He was single. It felt as if the shackles that had been holding him back for the last year had finally come off. Remus may not have been the best boyfriend (he was pretty terrible), but he was sure that was not how he was supposed to feel when the person he was serious with for the last year ended things abruptly.

He took a quick shower and changed into loungewear before the pizza arrived. Once his food was set on the coffee table, he took a few beers out of the fridge and turned on Netflix. It was refreshing to do something so sloven, something that his ex would see as beneath his pretty self. Honestly, why did Remus waste so much time on someone he barely tolerated?

Maybe it had been the sex. Though even _that_ was mediocre.

What did people usually do after a breakup? Cry? Did they try to get that person back? Did they scream and throw things around? Did they get rid of their ex’s belongings? When he thought about it, he didn’t want to do any of those things. He didn’t feel like crying. Remus certainly didn’t want Gilderoy back. There was nothing in his apartment that even belonged to his ex. A whole year and nothing to show for it.

It was better this way.

He hunkered down onto his couch, Netflix being a comforting static noise as he wrapped a throw blanket that had been over the arm of the couch around him. He needed something to cheer him up, something to squash this irritability. He brought his phone out and went onto AO3 to read the rest of an interesting piece of Messr. Padfoot’s fanfiction.

Remus had an addiction to written words. At the age of 30, he wished he could be mildly embarrassed by it, but he wasn’t. There was no shame in his harmless hobby.

He clicked on Cara Mia, a Deathly Hallows fanfiction written by Messr. Padfoot. It was 65 chapters long, and Remus was enraptured.

Cara Mia was beautiful. He was going on day three of reading it and was near to the end. He wanted to know if Albus and Gellert ended up together. He wanted to know if the slow burn canon divergence would pay off. This was his OTP that he was reading about, in the best-written fic he had ever stumbled across. It was as if every sentence caressed a part of Remus’ soul. There was a total of 92,659 words in this story and Remus was determined to devour all of them.

He had read and written his fair share of stories throughout his life. He had been writing fics since he was eleven when there were hardly any out there for his favorite book at the time and he wanted more of the story. Remus was just a tad bit obsessed with literature, although these days he hardly read any type of book.

Each chapter of Cara Mia was deliciously long, and there were no fillers. No nonsense that had nothing to do with the plot. It gave Remus’ fanboy heart a hard-on.

The fanfiction was amazing, Messr. Padfoot had talent. He had the ability to easily become a published author. Remus hoped that he would one day gather his courage and his creativity to write his own book.

He sighed heavily. He should stop thinking of the writer as Messr. Padfoot and start thinking him as _Sirius_. But he hadn’t allowed himself to think of that name in almost three years.

* * *

“How’s Lockhart?” Alice asked the next day before taking a sip of her sweet tea.

It was lunchtime but they were eating in Remus’ classroom while he graded the papers that he disregarded the night prior. Some of these answers were just idiotic, but they still made him smile. Never let it be forgotten that children were interesting creatures, and most of them were innocently hilarious.

“He dumped me,” Remus stated while marking Bill Weasley’s paper with ‘B-’ on top with a purple pen. He learned early on that fifth graders didn’t care that he meant 83%. “Said that he’s got a film he’s starring in, in Germany, and that he doesn’t want to be tied down.”

“What a prick,” Alice scoffed. “I never liked him.”

“No one did,” Remus muttered as he finished his last student’s paper. He cracked his fingers and straightened the stack of essays neatly to be entered into the computer. He idly took a bite of his sandwich and thought back to the last chapter of Cara Mia he had read. His heart was still aching at the amount of longing the characters had for each other.

“How much do you want to bet that he’s doing porn,” Alice stated as she capped her bottled tea. “I mean, he’s as dumb as a brick, but he’s pretty. He’d do well in porn.”

Remus laughed, because yeah he could see it. “I’d feel bad for whoever he was doing the scenes with, he wasn’t that great.”

Alice sighed, short brown hair tucked behind her ears. “We should go out on Friday. Do something fun, you know?”

Something fun would be another night on his couch with no one to bother him as he finished reading this fic. That was peaceful. Maybe with Chinese food this time instead of pizza, and more beer. Instead of telling this to Alice, however, he shrugged and gave her his undivided attention.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Getting fucked up,” Alice answered immediately, “Frank’s mother is coming to town and that woman is overbearing. I’d like to have some fun so that I have fond memories to look back on while I suffer at her hands.”

“You’re way too cruel to your future mother-in-law,” He grinned. He had met Mrs. Longbottom twice since knowing Frank, and that was all he was willing. The woman was a bit too much to handle.

“Tell me about it,” Alice sighed and leaned her head back to stare at the tiled ceiling, “there’s a roof bar in Brooklyn called Hogs Head that’s kind of a club too. We should hit that up.”

“You don’t feel like we’re too old for clubs?” Lounges, sure. Clubbing was something for young kids. Then again Remus always felt too old for his age.

“You’re only 30,” Alice pointed out, “and you’re cute. We need to get you drunk and maybe even laid if all you’ve been having this last year was horrible sex.”

Remus hummed, not disagreeing. It would be a change of pace, especially with the way he was. He wasn’t big on drinking or dancing in public. He wore sweater vests and pressed slacks to work every day, and cardigans with elbow patches with dark jeans on the weekend. He was bookish. Maybe it’d be nice to not be himself for a night. “Fine, I’m in.”

“Great!” Alice perked up considerably, “come to my place around 8 on Friday, we’ll pregame before heading out. If you’re not dressed hot then I’ll be forced to put you in Frank’s clothes.”

“What constitutes as ‘hot’?” Remus found himself asking, peering over his glasses at her as she stood and began to gather her things. Their lunchtime was quickly coming to an end.

“Something tight or fitted. Nothing nerdy chic,” Alice waggled a finger at him. “8 tomorrow Lupin!”

* * *

Remus stared at himself in the mirror. Nude and damp, his brown hair fell onto his forehead, his round hazel eyes followed the litter of freckles that were across the bridge of his nose and the moles on his neck and chest. He didn’t see what Alice did, he wasn’t ‘cute’, not in a conventional way. His face was too angular, all cheekbones and chin, his nose was long and his mouth was too wide. His vision went downwards, chest with barely any hair, a light happy trail. He could count his ribs, his was bony and long, clean lines.

He was of average height, and narrow. Some would call him lithe. His father would say he’s underfed. And his complexion was lily white, from days spent indoors and under fluorescent lighting. He probably had a vitamin D deficiency. There was nothing really special about him.

Alice had said they were going to get him laid, but from Remus’ perspective, he couldn’t understand _how._

He spritzed on the cologne that he had received as a gift from Sirius years ago, the expensive one that he rarely ever used because he was afraid it would run out. Could cologne go bad? It still smelled of cedar and citrus and smoke. He put some pomade in his hair so that it wouldn’t become a frizzy mess, yet it still flopped across his brow, as if daring Remus to do something with it. There was no use fighting his hair.  With one last frown to himself, Remus went into his closet to pull out a black tee which was a size too small, he put on black socks and a pair of black skinny jeans that matched the shirt perfectly. Then his black Vans.

He put on his deodorant and turned his head to the left and then to the right, trying to figure out what he was missing. He put on a simple silver necklace that had a small pendant of the Star of David at the end. Still, something was missing. He put his contacts in and tried to put his finger on what exactly he could add to what he was wearing. Something irresistible.

Then he remembered it. Sitting in the back of his closet, wanting to be forgotten but never thrown out.

Remus took in a deep breath as he stared at the black leather motorbike jacket. With its multiple zippers, buckles, and studs. It still faintly smelled of motor oil and Blackstone Cherry.

The jacket was too big on him, meant for a man with a broader frame.

“Why am I doing this to myself?” Remus muttered, running a hand through his hair and causing it to fluff slightly. He swallowed uselessly, Adam’s Apple bobbing before staring at his mirror image.

He felt 21 again, stupid and reckless. The jacket reminded him of whiskey-flavored kisses and shared joints in the back of an old yellow ‘97 VW Golf while driving to the beach and singing to Weezer off-key.

Shaking himself, Remus grabbed his wallet, keys, and phone before leaving his apartment.

With luck, he’d get so drunk that he’d accidentally lose the damn jacket.

* * *

Pregaming included too many shots of tequila and not enough carbs to soak in the alcohol and laughing at everything Alice’s friend, Mary, was saying because she was cute and funny and Remus could easily see himself taking her home.

By the time they made it to Hogs Head, they were each slightly tipsy and loose-tongued.

Hogs Head was chic, fairy lights strung up everywhere, although the lights from the Brooklyn bay and Manhattan across did the space wonders. There were two bars on either side, a dance floor in the middle and lounging areas surrounding it.

“This is really nice,” Frank commented lowly to Remus. “I’m shocked, I honestly thought Alice was going to take us to a place with a mosh pit or something.”

Remus laughed, he hadn’t meant to, but he wasn’t sober and had always been a giggly drunk.

“I’m gonna find us a table,” Frank announced.

“Let’s dance!” Mary tugged at him and Remus shook his head.

“You and Alice go, I’m going to get a drink.” He told her, debating on what rounds to get for the table. The bar didn’t have too many people, and for that Remus was grateful. Having one on either side of the club probably helped prevent congestion.

He was looking over the drink of the night special when he felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. Someone stood casually beside him, leaning slightly against the bar and almost entirely in Remus’ space. It could just be a random clubber needing a drink. Maybe someone trying to pick him up, it’s happened in the past.

The smell of wood and bergamot, a familiar scent that haunted Remus’ dreams, wafted around him. It complimented his own cologne.

“That jacket looks good on you,” his voice was as smooth as velvet. Something that Remus’ imagination could never replicate, no matter how hard he tried to prevent himself from doing so.

Remus swallowed his nerves down and took in a deep breath. He looked at Sirius from the corner of his eye, he had forgotten how tall Sirius was, there was at least a four-inch height difference between them. Them running into each other was bound to happen. New York City may have been large, but apparently not large enough. Although the last Remus had heard, Sirius had run off to France to deal with his Uncle’s vineyard. That was roughly two years ago, and now here he was, in a bar in Brooklyn. He didn’t want to admit how much it hurt to see Sirius.

“Thank you,” Remus managed to say, proud of himself for sounding collected and calm. His heart was beating so fast he was scared it was going to leap out of his chest. “Do you want it back?”

Sirius leaned forward as he caught Remus’ eye. His hair had gotten longer, it was a wavy black that fell down towards his shoulders, the ends brushing his collar. His stubble was almost a beard, and it was evenly grown. His skin was a lovely caramel brown as if he had spent the last two years outdoors. He probably had.

He looked amazing.

“Are you still with that boyfriend that you hate?” Sirius’  asked instead, eyes flashed silver in the dim light as he tilted his head down toward Remus. His smile was full of sinful promises.

Remus gulped. He had forgotten, he had become complacent with life. Sirius was as bright as his namesake, and Remus felt as if he was suddenly crashing into him.

It was in his smile, his scent, his eyes, his hair. It was just him being _him._ Remus wished that he could be anywhere else at that moment. At the same time, he wished he could lean into Sirius. He swallowed again.

“That’s none of your business,” He whispered. He could feel his ears on fire, his face heated up.

Sirius scoffed a gentle laugh, “Really?”

His voice was lowered to match Remus’. It was something that he always did, ever since they were children. It used to drive Remus insane when they were younger, it still did, it forced them to stand closer, forced their heads to be bowed together. It was an intimacy that should not be allowed. Especially since they hadn’t seen each other in years.

The music around them was loud, there were people milling around the bar laughing obnoxiously. The smell of the Hudson River permeated the air along with the scent of cigarettes on the wind.

“What’re you doing back here?” Remus asked. He wasn’t sober, but the bubbliness from earlier had dissipated completely. It left behind the type of honesty that only someone as drunk as he was would have. Words unchecked and a guarantee for future regrets in the horizon if he didn’t keep his mouth shut.

Sirius’ eyes were all over his face, drinking him in. “Visiting.”

It was a lie, and Remus hated the fact that despite their time apart he still knew when Sirius was lying to him.

Sirius brought a large hand up to tuck his loose hair behind his ear, and Remus noticed how the band on his finger glinted. It twinkled at Remus almost mockingly. It caused his stomach to churn.

“You’re right, it’s not my business,” Remus took a step back, away from Sirius. He wasn’t sober enough to deal with this, he was positive that his expression was stricken and his emotions were obvious. “Have a good night.”

“Re, wait,” Sirius looked as if he were going to grab him, but hesitated.

Remus scanned the tables until they landed on Frank. He rushed his way through the crowd of people and refused to turn around to see if Sirius was still standing at the bar.

“No drink?” Frank asked from his spot, he was casually sitting back, uploading a random video he took of Alice and Mary dancing onto Instagram.

“I’m actually not feeling well,” Remus told him, it wasn’t a lie. “I think I’m going to head out.”

Frank gave him a concerned look. Brows furrowed, frown heavy on his face. “You okay, dude? Yeah, you look pretty pale there. We can take you home.”

They had just gotten to Hogs Head. It was kind of Frank to offer.

“I’ll take an Uber,” Remus shrugged. Realistically he’d take the train. He needed the extra time to think.

Frank made to stand but Remus shook his head.

“Tell Alice I’ll text her once I get home,” Remus said before leaving.

He shouldn’t have left. He should have stayed. Mary seemed interested in him, and Remus would have gone home with her if not for the fact that Sirius was there. Fucking Sirius. Remus hadn’t missed the band on his left ring finger, hadn’t missed it at all.

His phone buzzed in his pocket as he took his MetroCard out to swipe. He was going to lose connection down in the subway anyway, so his phone could wait.

Instead, Remus stood in the crowded compartment, he leaned against the door which leads to the adjoined car, feet spread apart in order to maintain balance. A ring on Sirius’ finger shouldn’t be a big deal. It shouldn’t! It didn’t stop the lump from forming in Remus’ throat.

Well, fuck.

He couldn’t quite remember how he made it home. The tequila from earlier in the evening sloshed around inside of him, curdling at the memory of Sirius wearing what had appeared to have been a wedding band.

He stripped off his clothes until he was left in his briefs and socks as he vomited in his bathroom. Tequila did not taste any better when stomach acid got involved. His esophagus burned and his eyes watered, tears streamed down his face with every heave. He needed to take out his contacts.

Still, why was Sirius back? Now? After being abroad, and obviously enjoying his life? How did Remus end up running into him? It was as if the universe were rubbing salt into the wound that was his broken heart. It had been roughly three years! Remus should have carried on well before now, it was too bad his emotions didn’t seem to think so. He was sure that Sirius would always be his soulmate.

When all the contents of his stomach were out, Remus rinsed his mouth and splashed water on his face. His phone was still in his jacket pocket and he clumsily made his way toward his kitchen table to get it from the back of a chair.

There were a few texts from Alice.

[Alice in Underland]

 **Alice** [22:04]: Frank said you were sick and left?? Are you okay??

 **Alice** [22:08]: Text me when you get home?

 **Alice** [22:23]: Are you home yet?

 **Alice** [22:30]: REMUS!!!!

 **Remus** [22:50]: Sorry, I got home a few minutes ago. I’ve been throwing up since I got here.

 **Alice** [22:55]: OMG! ARE YOU OK?

 **Remus** [22:56]: Yeah, I just need water and sleep.

 **Alice** [22:57]: I’m sorry you got so sick. Get plenty of rest.

 **Remus** [22:58]: Thanks. Enjoy your night.

His couch was cool against his naked back, and Remus allowed himself to sink into it. He should get up and drink some water, but his stomach couldn’t handle anything. It pinched painfully.

Alice was kind, and a decent friend. He was glad that she wasn’t pushing for more answers. Although he was sure she’d ask more questions had she been sober. She was probably going to ask him what exactly happened on Monday. At least he had the weekend to adjust.

He sighed as he chewed on his lower lip before sending a text to someone he knew wouldn’t bullshit him.

[Lily Flower]

 **Remus** [23:04]: Are you busy?

 **Lily** [23:05]: No, my Friday night is me in my bed with Hulu.

 **Remus** [23:06]: No James?

 **Lily** [23:06]: He’s out with Peter. What’s up?

 **Remus** [23:07]: I ran into Sirius.

 **Lily** [23:07]: _Typing…_

 **Lily** [23:07]: _Typing…_

 **Lily** [23:08]: _Typing…_

 **Lily** [23:09]: I’m coming over.

 **Remus** [23:10]: I’ll come to you. I’ll be there in an hour.

 **Lily** [23:11]: I’ll order something to eat.

* * *

Remus was glad to live in New York, the city truly never slept. Especially the closer one got to Manhattan. The Burrows were a little more low-key and family oriented, but it was a Friday night and he blended in with other commuters who were coming and going. He couldn’t imagine living upstate, where everything became rural and more suburban. He couldn’t imagine leaving for New Jersey or Connecticut, where stores closed at decent hours and it was odd to see people milling about past a certain time.

Remus was in track shorts, the same black tee from earlier, his vans, and an oversized hoodie over everything. He had on his glasses and chewed on his lip the entire walk from the subway to Lily’s building. The summer heat crept slowly in the air. It was nearly the end of June, school would be let out within the next week and Remus would have nearly two months of not dealing with children directly. He had a part-time job lined up with a library not too far from where he lived. Something so that he could survive the summer and afford extra supplies for the next school year.

Thinking of work was a brilliant distraction for the conversation that he was bound to have with Lily.

He pressed the buzzer for her unit and took a step back, waiting to see the kitchen window open and her head pop out. Waiting for her to throw her key’s down to him. She lived on the sixth floor, there was no elevator, the building had been constructed before those became trendy. Like his shoebox of a home.

“Hey!” She greeted as Remus leaned against the door while he closed it behind him. He was wheezing, trying to urge his lungs to work and his knees not to give out. “I got Chinese.”

Remus slid his shoes off and walked into the small space, joining Lily at her tiny table. She tried to recreate the bistro look in her kitchen. Small round table with a cloth over the wooden top, and two ornate chairs. Containers of lo mein and orange chicken laid out with forks.

“Thanks,” He told her.

Lily was the type to always use food as comfort. It wasn’t healthy, and she joked that it was the reason she would never lose weight and would always stay round, but at that moment Remus understood why she did it.

Her galley kitchen had a single archway which led to the same hallway as the front door, across from the kitchen was her bathroom and her bedroom, to the right of the kitchen archway was the living room. Her building was old and her actual unit was small. Though it was cozy, and clean, and entirely Lily.

“I’m not even going to pretend to have tact,” Lily sighed into her pork fried rice. Her ginger hair was pinned up into a sloppy bun and she was wearing one of James’ shirts with yoga pants. “What happened? I didn’t even know he was back.”

She looked indignant, and rightfully so. Her freckles were barely visible under the flush of her cheeks, a heavy frown on her lips and brow. Her chipped nails were holographic and kept catching Remus’ eye.

“It’s just like I texted. I went out to Hogs Head, that bar-club in Brooklyn, I was going to get myself a drink and there he was. Wearing a fucking wedding ring.” Remus took another bite of his noodles in order to swallow the bitterness that seeped into his mouth.

“A wedding ring?” Lily sat back, green eyes wide. “Are you sure? What the fuck? How are _you_ Re? Are you okay? This is a lot.”

“Lily, fuck, it’s not…” He let his sentence drop.

How could he explain that he longed for Sirius still? How he was Remus’ first thought upon waking, and how he was the last thought before he slept? How he dreamt of Sirius. Silver eyes and coy mouth and clever hands. How his heart was still so broken despite their years apart.

Instead, he shrugged uselessly. What did _his_ feelings matter? It’s been almost three years, and he had dated. He had been in a relationship until recently. To everyone else, it appeared as he if moved on. And why wouldn’t Remus move on? Especially when Sirius had run off to France, and wasn’t he married now? Fuck, wasn’t he? It appeared that way.

The two of them being apart didn’t stop Remus from reading all of Sirius’ work. From being Sirius’ number one fan. Just like when they were eleven. Fifteen. Twenty. Twenty-four. Sirius was the sun, Remus would always orbit around him.

The look Lily threw him now made Remus feel ashamed. Blood rushing to his face. He wanted to cry and was mortified to find his eyes watering. Suddenly Lily was out of her seat and crouched down beside him. Well _fuck_. And sure it was Lily who cooed and rubbed his back, but Remus wanted to bury himself alive at that very moment.

He focused on the stitching of the table cloth underneath his hands as he swallowed the lump in his throat not for the first time that night. He had told himself that he’d never shed another tear over Sirius Black. Remus had never felt more stupid in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta, forgive the errors.

Remus groaned and rolled over so that his head was buried deeper into the couch cushions. There were hushed voices coming from the kitchen that made falling back to sleep difficult. He opened his eyes and stared at the upholstery of the grey sofa that he occupied. Sunlight struggled to shine through the heavy curtains and left the room in muddied shadow. His stomach roiled, his mouth tasted of death and his eyes felt as if they were dried out.

There was a crick in his neck, and he had fallen asleep fully dressed. Remus was too old to be this hungover. Lily had watched him down half a bottle of vodka after they ate. It was a cheap brand but honestly all that she had, and Remus was never one to be picky when it came to getting trashed. He owed her a new bottle.

“Up and at ‘em sleepyhead!” James’ voice was usually boisterous, but at that moment Remus wanted to murder him. James was just _too loud._

“Fuck you,” Remus muttered into the couch. Talking hurt. Maybe if he ignored James enough he would magically go away. It was doubtful, but a man could dream.

“Get off of my girlfriend’s couch, bro. We’re going to brunch.” James nudged at him before he pulled the curtains open, allowing the light to flood in. It was a very James™️ thing to do.

Remus resisted the urge to hiss. His head was pounding. Despite having vomited last night, he was sure that he was still drunk when he initially came to Lily’s. Then he drank all of that vodka. Hungover was not a good look on him, and he hated everything in the world at that moment.

“I hate you,” He admitted to James as he slowly sat up, squinting around the room. Not that there was much to see without his glasses. The world was a blur, and it caused his already foggy brain to spin. He closed his eyes and breathed in through his mouth slowly, this was why he hardly drank.

James threw him a bright grin. His glasses reflected the sunlight, and his unruly curls bounced around his face as he peered down at Remus with his hands on his hips. “You look like shit.”

“A brilliant diagnosis Dr. Potter,” Remus drawled as he stood up delicately. He swore that he could feel the world turning with every small step toward the bathroom, his body ached from vomiting last night, but he had a dreadful feeling that he would have to force himself to throw up again, “med school has taught you well.”

James laughed, carefree and loud and unashamed, “I forgot what a dick you could be when hungover. Get up, Lily has a spare toothbrush for you in the bathroom. We’re meeting Peter outside of The Three Broomsticks in less than an hour. Hop to it.”

Remus flipped James the bird before managing to get into the bathroom and closed the door firmly. He stared at the toilet for a minute and then fell to his knees to pay tribute to the porcelain Gods. His stomach hurt badly, but at least the nausea subsided once he was done. Remus avoided looking at himself in the mirror as he splashed cold water onto his face and used Lily’s fancy face wash. He opened the new toothbrush and used more toothpaste than necessary, following with mouthwash. James’ deodorant was on the counter, and while it wasn't Remus’ scent, it was better than nothing.

Once he felt a little more alive, he braved looking at himself. His hair was flat on one side of his head, there were dark bags under his eyes, which gave him a gaunt appearance. He used water and tried to pull his hair out of his face, but it flopped back onto his forehead as if daring him to do something about it.

He closed his eyes and the memory of Sirius with a wedding ring playing in his mind caused Remus to snap them back open. He smoothed down the wrinkles on his hoodie and cleaned his glasses before putting them onto his face.

Before leaving the bathroom, Remus dug through Lily’s medicine cabinet for Advil to take with the tap water. He prayed his headache would be mostly alleviated by the time they walked to the subway, he wasn’t sure if he could handle the movement of the train.

He didn’t _feel_ better, emotionally he was fucked and he wanted nothing more than to go back home and hide under his bedsheets.

“Let’s go Loopy Lupin!” James’ voice carried from the other side of the door.

They left the apartment with James and Lily holding hands as they chatted happily to each other. Remus dragged his feet behind them. The train ride was bearable, but mainly due to the fact that Remus kept his head down between his knees.

The Three Broomsticks was their usual haunt, a place they had frequented for as long as they could remember. Rosmerta, the owner, always gave them complimentary mimosa’s.

Peter was waiting for them at their usual table, his dreadlocks pulled back into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. His dark skin appeared even richer underneath the dim lighting. He was fiddling with his phone, brows furrowed in concentration. He only looked up once he realized the rest of his party had arrived, standing to distribute hugs as if it were his life.

“You look like shit,” Peter laughed once he released Remus from his tight grip.

“I aim to please,” Remus sighed as he sat down. He purposely ignored the fifth seat at their table. It had remained untouched by their group for years.

Their server appeared and took their orders, returning a few minutes later with mimosa’s. Remus downed his flute in one gulp.

“Remus said that he ran into Sirius,” Lily’s voice brought Remus back into the conversation.

Instead of adding anything to her statement, Remus shook his head and placed Lily's glass to his mouth and drank deeply. She didn't even notice. He knew that Sirius would be the topic discussed.

“Wait, _what?_ ” James leaned back in his seat and stared at his girlfriend with a shocked expression. “He’s in town?”

“Looks like it,” Lily shrugged, “with a ring on his finger.”

Beside Remus, Peter choked. He hacked unattractively into his napkin, trying to force himself to breathe normally. The couple at the table across from them looked over with concern.

“Fucking what?” Peter managed to rasp after a few uncomfortable minutes.

“No,” James shook his head, “no way, he would have told me that he was back home. We talk every day.”

“You going to drink that?” Remus asked Peter, motioning to his untouched mimosa. Peter nudged the glass toward him. Really he should be drinking water, but this topic was what caused him to begin drinking. Being drunk did not solve anyone’s problem, but that didn’t stop Remus from continuing.

“Why wouldn’t he tell me that he was back home?” James was upset now, anger colored his tone, “I’m calling him.”

“Maybe not now?” Lily gently placed a hand on his arm. “Maybe later?”

James frowned deeply for a moment before he nodded in agreement. He turned his attention to Remus, whom he noticed was pilfering his mimosa. “How’s the Ken doll?”

“No clue,” Remus answered, he finished off the rest of James’ drink. Champagne and orange juice wasn’t doing anything for him. He should _really_ contemplate drinking some water. “We broke up. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

He ignored the glances his friends exchanged at that. Remus didn’t want to talk about anything of substance. Not his ex-boyfriend, and definitely _not_ Sirius. He just wanted to eat his food and go home.

“I got that promotion that I was aiming for,” Peter blurted out. He was terrible at changing topics, but it was a much-needed distraction.

Remus allowed himself to be swayed into the lull of conversation, remaining mostly silent. He drank a few sangria’s with his breakfast and had to be escorted home on wobbly feet. It wasn’t even noon. His weekend was slowly forming into one long bender, and Remus couldn’t find himself caring about how awful he was going to feel by Monday. At least the school year was almost over.

* * *

The pinging of his phone was what woke Remus up nearly an hour later. Peter had watched him down a bottle of Gatorade before leaving Remus to his own devices. Which had been a nap.

He reached his arm out toward his bedside table, not willing to open his eyes right away. His head was heavy now, his body ached and fatigue had settled deeply into his bones. He was acutely aware of the fact that he was no longer in his 20s and that day drinking wasn’t cute.

Cracking an eye open, he checked his text messages.

[Prongs]

 **James** [13:15]: Regulus is in the hospital. Heroin overdose. He’s on life support.

“Shit,” Remus sat up and stared at his phone with wide eyes. Was this for real? It had to have been, James wouldn’t lie about something so awful.

Remus hadn’t been aware that Regulus had fallen off of the wagon. There had been a time when they were younger, somewhere between their late-teens and early-twenties, where Regulus indulged in hard drugs. Unlike Sirius and his friends who occasionally smoked weed, Regulus was snorting cocaine and smoking meth. Although heroin had ultimately been his drug of choice.

Sirius had managed go get Regulus to agree to rehab. Remus had gone with him to drop his brother off. The last time Remus had checked, Regulus had been clean for over seven years.

[Prongs]

 **James** [13:17]: Kreacher found him, but he was already gone. First responders brought him back but he’s brain dead.

 **Remus** [13:17]: Fuck.

 **James** [13:18]: Andromeda contacted Sirius about it on Wednesday. Sirius was at Hogs Head last night because his uncle Alphard owns it and he was doing some family business. I guess looking over financial stuff.

 **James** [13:19]: I know he’s still a touchy subject for you, but I think he’ll need you to help him deal with this.

 **Remus** [14:01]: Isn’t he married?

 **James** [14:06]: He says he’s not. It’s a family ring that he wears. But he did bring his girlfriend with him. Her name is Marlene.

 **James** [14:09]: Lily thinks that we should invite them out for dinner. Peter says he’s down. Lily thinks that the distraction might be good for Sirius. Do you want to join us?

 **Remus** [14:44]: No.

 **James** [14:44]: Re, come on.

 **Remus** [14:45]: I can’t.

 **James** [14:45]: Dude it’s been almost three years. What gives? He was your best friend too, and he’s going through a lot of shit right now.

 **Remus** [14:45]: I’m aware.

 **James** [14:46]: Then why can’t you come to dinner with us? It’d be nice to have us all together again.

 **James** [14:47]: Lily thinks you still love him.

 **Remus** [14:50]: Lily’s smarter than you are.

 **James** [14:56]: And?

 **Remus** [14:57]: I’m going to bed.

 **James** [14:58]: It’s barely 3 PM!

 **Remus** [14:58]: Goodnight James.

 **James** [15:00]: This isn’t over, Lupin.

* * *

[Alice in Underland]

 **Alice** [14:50]: How are you feeling, champ?

 **Remus** [14:50]: Sick. I’ve been in bed most of the day.

 **Alice** [14:51]: Maybe it was the tequila.

 **Remus** [14:51]: Maybe. My stomach has been bad all day, I’ve been on the verge of vomiting since this morning.

 **Alice** [14:52]: OMG! Do you need anything? Soup?

 **Remus** [14:53]: No, I’m good, thanks. I think I’m going to sleep though.

 **Alice** [14:53]: Sweet dreams!

* * *

Remus stared up at his bedroom ceiling, he watched the dust motes in the mid-afternoon sunlight. He was single now, maybe he could drive to Boston to see his father while Sirius was in town. Rationally he knew he was being ridiculous, he should be able to face Sirius, they had been best friends almost their entire lives! Breaking up should not have put an end to that.

Regulus was in the hospital. Regulus was in a fucking coma due to a heroin overdose. There were more important things here than Remus’ hurt feelings. He wondered how Sirius was taking all of this. Maybe Remus could visit Regulus’ hospital room on Sunday if he could get the information out of James or Peter. He liked Regulus. They had grown up together and when Sirius left, he and Regulus still kept in touch. It had been a little over a month since Remus had heard from Regulus, although that wasn’t unusual. Now his friend was on the verge of death.

He _wanted_ to see Regulus. Remus was mature enough to put whatever issue he and Sirius had with each other aside for this. He’d text James later to see if James knew any more details.

Remus sighed heavily and rolled onto his stomach while taking his phone out to read more Cara Mia. The romance written between Albus and Gellert made his heart ache in the best of ways. He needed the distraction. The current chapter started with a vivid sex scene that sparked a memory and caused Remus to stop reading.

The smut was something that had actually happened. Remus remembered quite well how Sirius had tied him to the headboard and fucked him into the mattress. The thought of it caused gooseflesh to spread up his arms. It also made his mind to whirl, did that mean that Sirius drew a lot of what had happened between the two of them in order to write? Did he stretch and bend and twist the memory until it was unrecognizable? Here Remus had been attempting to read to avoid thinking, but this was too much.

Remus chewed on his lower lip before deciding to leave a comment under his psuede Messr. Moony.

 **Messr. Moony** : Wow.

He frowned at himself in annoyance. He could delete it if he chose to, but then Sirius would see that, wouldn't he? He’d get the notification of a comment and realize that Remus chose to rescind it.

He threw his phone down onto his bed and went into his bathroom for a much-needed shower. Remus briefly wondered if he could drown himself in his bathtub. He was being stupid, his _life_ was stupid. He stood in the shower longer than necessary, wishing that the hot water could wash away his anxieties. Remus squeezed his eyes shut and bit back the scream that was building up. Instead, he counted to himself, lips moving but no sound coming out.

By the time Remus calmed himself down the water had gone cold. He got out of the shower and dried off before throwing on a pair of joggers and an old NYU tee. Time for some cold pizza and Netflix, anything to help him focus on nothing.

It wasn’t until much later in the evening that Remus decided to check his phone.

[UNKNOWN]

 **Unknown** [15:01]: I didn’t realize that you still read my stuff.

He felt his heart thumping wildly in his chest. He wet his mouth and thought for a long moment. He saved the number into his contacts and debated on his words. Typically Remus had no issue with expressing himself over text.

James was right about one thing, Sirius probably would need Remus emotionally once everything with Regulus went to shit.

[Sirius]

 **Remus** [18:34]: Of course I still do.

 **Sirius** [18:34]: _Typing…_

 **Sirius** [18:36]: You always were my biggest fan.

 **Remus** [18:37]: I have been since we were kids. That never stopped.

 **Remus** [18:38]: I heard about Reg.  

 **Sirius** [18:38]: That’s because James is a gossip.

 **Remus** [18:38]: You didn’t have to tell him to tell me, you could have just told me yourself.

 **Sirius** [18:39]: Our interaction last night said otherwise.

 **Remus** [18:40]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [18:40]: _Typing_...

 **Remus** [18:41]: That’s because the first thing you said to me after 3 years of keeping me out of your life is asking me whether I’m single or not. Which is none of your business? Just like whatever is going on with your life is none of mine, obviously. You made that abundantly clear.

 **Sirius** [18:42]: _Typing…_

 **Sirius** [18:42]: 2 years and 7 months.

 **Sirius** [18:43]: _Typing…_

 **Sirius** [18:44]: Are you fucking kidding me? You’re the one who told me not to come back! You’re so fucking unbelievable!

 **Remus** [18:45]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [18:45]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [18:45]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [18:46]: Okay Sirius.

Remus threw his phone down onto the sofa and tugged at his hair. They were arguing already, this wasn’t what he had wanted. He didn’t want to talk about the way things had been between them. They had never discussed the why’s or how’s of their break up. His phone pinged again, but he was too drained to bother looking at the text. What was the point? Why was he arguing with Sirius?

A part of Remus knew that this was Sirius’ way of letting things go. He was lashing out at Remus because he was more than likely overwhelmed by everything that was occurring. Regulus and Sirius had been close growing up, and despite the rift that had happened due to Regulus’ drug addiction, they were still brothers. They were still the closest of friends. Sirius was upset, funneling all of his emotions into anger and using Remus as his personal whipping boy.  

It wasn’t right, but Remus understood. He also knew how Sirius would react when Remus stopped answering. He _knew_ Sirius, almost as well as he knew himself. He was doubtful that a few years apart would change that.

When his phone pinged for a fifth time, he took a deep breath and decided to check it.

[Lockhart]

 **Gilderoy** [18:46]: Are you home?

 **Gilderoy** [18:47]: I found a few of your cardigans in my closet, I’m going to bring them over now.

 **Remus** [18:49]: Yeah I’m home. That’s cool.

 **Gilderoy** [18:50]: On my way.

Under Sirius’ contact were quite a few messages that Remus was going to leave unread. He sighed heavily. Remus Lupin enjoyed a simple life, when did things become so dramatically complicated?

He dumped the empty bottles into his recycling bin and tried to tidy up his living room a bit. It wasn’t dirty, it was just that the beer and empty boxes of pizza made it look like he was mending a broken heart. Despite this being true, Remus didn’t want Gilderoy to get the wrong impression. He had just finished cleaning when his buzzer went off. He opened up his living room window and stuck his head out, Gilderoy waved from the stoop.

Remus was only on the third floor, he dangled his keys out the window and tossed them down to Gilderoy. The last thing he was going to do was be seen by his neighbors in his pajamas beside his (admittedly) hot ex-boyfriend. No thanks.

“Hey,” Gilderoy greeted cheerfully as he unlocked the front door. There was an Abercrombie bag in his hand with his own face on it. He was dressed for an evening out, with his fitted clothing that did nothing but accent his physique.

“Hey, thanks for bringing these,” Remus told him as he took the bag and peeked inside. Roughly four cardigans were neatly packed together. “That was nice of you.”

Suspiciously nice, he wondered if Gilderoy were actually here for one last fuck.

“Well I would have felt bad about taking them with me, and they’re not really my style anyway,” Gilderoy shrugged. Ah, the only reason he wasn’t keeping them was because he thought that they were ugly. Still, he could have easily have thrown them out.

“I’m just surprised you brought them,” Remus admitted, “seeing as I left you in the restaurant on Wednesday.”

Gilderoy laughed and flapped his hand dismissively at Remus, “I could understand why you did it. Break ups aren’t easy! Besides, the owner felt so bad for me that it was all free.” Of course it was, people tended to give things to him.

They stood in silence for a moment before Gilderoy cleared his throat. “What’re you doing tonight?”

Remus glanced up at him from beneath his lashes, “probably going to binge Netflix.”

Gilderoy smiled brightly, and tilted his head to the right. It was his endearing look. Suddenly Remus remembered how they lasted a year, it was because of how handsome the man across from him was (Remus was astonishingly shallow). Blue eyes and blond hair and evenly tanned skin. He was suddenly quite aware how close they were standing. They never had anything in common, and the sex was boring unless Remus took charge, but they never had any issues either.

“Want to come out with me tonight? I’m meeting a few other models for some drinks,” Gilderoy asked.

Remus shook his head, but an amused look made its way onto his face, “dude, we just broke up.”

“True,” Gilderoy nodded, “but does that honestly matter?”

It didn’t. It was odd how both of them were so amicable with each other when they had just ended their relationship not three days prior. Remus thought it was because there was never any passion between them.

“I’m good,” Remus smiled, “thanks for the invite but I think I’d rather stay in tonight.”

“Suit yourself,” Gilderoy handed him his keys before opening the front door, “it was a pleasure, Remus. Don’t miss me too hard while I’m away.” He pressed a peck against Remus’ cheek. He winked and grinned broadly.

“I’ll try my best,” Remus rolled his eyes. But it felt good to joke, sure Gilderoy was vapid (he really was a Ken doll), but it wasn’t as if he were the worst person in the world.

They both turned toward the hallway and Remus felt his stomach drop to the floor. Sirius was walking toward his apartment door. Sirius was there in the hallway, watching as Gilderoy was walking out.

“Sirius!” Gilderoy greeted smoothly, “wow, you look at handsome as ever. Did you finally listen to me about cleansing? I know someone who’s an expert with juices. Ah, but look at the time, I really must be going. Ta-ta Remus. It was good seeing you again, Sirius.”

They awkwardly waited until Gilderoy was out of hearing range, and quite possibly out of the building. During this time, Remus drank the sight of Sirius in, better than he had done the night before.

Taller by at least 4 inches, dark hair pulled back into a bun, the beginnings of a beard, heavy dark brows over piercing gray-blue eyes, golden tanned skin. Modelesque with his broad shoulders and tapered waist. He was in a white diesel shirt and jeans, black work boots on his feet. The sight of him alone caused Remus’ heart to quicken.

Did he really travel across the city because Remus ignored him? Was that the only reason Sirius was there? Why did he write about them? Why did he freeze Remus out for so long? Remus missed him so much. Remus still loved him.

“How did you get into the building?” Remus asked instead, he wished he could bring himself to act indignant. To lash out, because how dare Sirius just show up like this? Though anger would be a lie, because Remus was bittersweetly happy to see Sirius in his building.

Sirius took a few steps forward to close the distance between them, aware that the walls were thin and that the neighbors could hear every word they were saying. He pulled out his keyring and showed it to Remus. “I still have my key.”

“Oh,” Remus gulped. What exactly did he say to that? He never took his key back, in the back of his mind he knew that Sirius still had it. “What are you doing here?”

Sirius sighed and shifted, “Can I come in, please?”

Remus knew that he should tell Sirius ‘no’. He should keep the distance that Sirius had firmly put between them two years and some change prior. He should demand for his key back and then slam the door in Sirius’ face. But he also wanted to reach over and touch him.

The reminder that Regulus was in the hospital, and that _he_ was the one who broke up with Sirius, and that he was still _in love_ with Sirius made Remus’ resolve crumble. He was a weak man. Without another word Remus moved aside to allow Sirius in, suddenly relieved that he cleaned a bit before Gilderoy showed up.

That was another thing. Gilderoy had just been there. Remus wondered what Sirius thought of that. It’s not like it should matter, it wasn’t as if Sirius and Remus were even friends anymore, not with the Cold War the two of them had going on.

Remus locked the door behind him and put the bag of cardigans down in the foyer for later. “Would you like something to drink?”

“No, I’m okay,” Sirius took in the apartment. “You’ve gotten more books.”

“Why are you here, Sirius?” Straight to the point. Was there a need to play into the polite charade?

“I just wanted to see you,” Sirius admitted. He was never one to lie, but he was one who knew how to use his words in such a way that it rendered Remus speechless.

They were standing between the kitchen and the living room.

Remus opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. What did he say to that? That he knew exactly how to provoke Sirius in order to see him too? An ocean away from each other and a few years apart and the magnetic pull between them was _still there._ To now be in the same space, with the ability to touch one another, it was overwhelming. It was unbearable, but Remus refused to take a step forward from where he stood. He fought against himself to maintain his composure.

“Re...I just...don’t know what else to say. I wanted to see you.” Sirius wet his lips.

He moved closer, and this time when he reached for Remus he didn’t hesitate. Their fingers laced easily, and Remus felt a jolt of heat spread up his arm and toward his chest. Remus could feel the warm band on his ring finger and glanced down at it. Black gold with what appeared to be the Black’s family crest. The relief that flooded his system made his knees weak. It was confusing, and Remus’ mind was going a mile a minute. What did this all mean? They were holding hands. They were so close together that he felt Sirius’ body heat radiating off of him.

“I’ve missed you,” Sirius admitted, voice small. “And arguing with you, I just...I don’t know. I just-”

“I know,” Remus tilted his head up to fully look Sirius in the face. God, he missed him more than he even realized. He loved him so much.

They watched each other, neither one of them uttering a single word. Then Sirius moved forward again, he had always been the one to make the first move. Their noses brushed, they shared the same breath. Remus let his eyes slid shut. Their mouths ghosted across each other, and he felt Sirius tighten his grip on his hand. The scratchiness of Sirius’ beard across his smooth jaw made Remus want to close the tiny distance between them. They were so close to kissing, all it would take was the smallest of nudges.

Remus suddenly pulled away completely, taking his hand with him and staring up at Sirius with wide eyes. “Stop. No. This is wrong, what are we even doing? You have a girlfriend.”

Sirius blinked, a surprised expression on his face. He stood up straight, “I-”

“This is wrong, we can’t be doing this.” Remus repeated as he tugged on his hair, “You can’t just walk in here looking all -” at this he gestured wildly to all of Sirius, “- like you! You haven’t spoken to me in years and then you come here, acting as if nothing happened. And you have a girlfriend! From France! _What the fuck,_ Sirius?”

“I don’t know!” Sirius blurted out. He threw his hands up and took a step back, “damn it Remus!”

Remus watched as Sirius threw himself down onto his sofa. Elbows on knees and face in hand.

“Do you want a beer?”

“Yes, please.”

This was easier ground to tread. Remus handed Sirius a brown glass bottle and sat down gently on the opposite side of the couch from him, making sure to face him. He watched as Sirius took a long pull from his drink, taking in the bob of his Adam’s apple.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus asked while delicately peeling at the label of his own bottle. He was officially out of beer after this one.

“It’s just everything,” Sirius groused, motioning at the air with his bottle. “Fucking Regulus, you know?”

“I know.” He did know. They had been in each other’s lives since they were 11 years old. They barely had to say much to each other to understand what the other meant. Even now, Remus knew exactly what Sirius was trying to say.

“Marlene bullied her way on to this trip. She’s been a great friend, but she’s not James or Peter. She’s not you.” Sirius kept his gaze firmly on the coffee table. “I have a decent life in France, I’m running Alphard’s vineyard and estate. I just didn’t realize how much I missed New York until I got off of the plane. But I’ve been gone too long, I didn’t even realize that Reg was using again.”

“That’s not your fault,” Remus watched as Sirius fidgeted. “You can’t control other people’s actions.”

“I know,” Sirius shrugged, but his bottom lip trembled, “he’s in a fucking coma because he’s a dumbass. I’m so _angry_ with him for it. He’s at Mt. Sinai, and machines are keeping him alive, and I’m going to have to pull the plug soon. It’s in his will to not be kept on life support. I just can’t fucking do it yet.”

Remus put his bottle down and gently took Sirius’ from his hand before gathering the other man up into his arms and pulled him into a hug. Sirius didn’t cry, Remus hadn’t expected him to, but he allowed himself to be held.

“It’s wrong of me to expect you to console me like this,” Sirius’ voice was muffled by Remus’ shoulder. His large hands were on Remus’ back, the heat of them seeping through the thin material of the t-shirt.

“You’re right,” Remus sighed. He didn’t add onto that statement.

After several minutes they seperated and Sirius finished his beer. “I should get going.” He stood up and Remus followed. Sirius reached into his pocket for his key ring, “I should also give this back to you.”

“Oh,” Remus swallowed the lump in his throat at the sight of Sirius taking the key off of his ring. There was no pausing in Sirius’ hands movements, they continued until the metal was free. “You don’t have to.”

Gray eyes peered up at him from beneath thick black lashes, “I sort of do.”

“Okay.” Remus accepted the small key. It felt as if they were officially closing their chapter together.

“Come by the hospital tomorrow?” Sirius asked as he unlocked the front door. “I’ll text you the details.”

“Yeah, of course. Get home safe.”

Sirius glanced over at Remus once more, and Remus could easily remember their goodbye kisses. Soft and slow things that he had _never_ took for granted. When their eyes met, Remus swore it felt like one of those kisses.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” And then Sirius was gone.

Remus wasn’t sure how long he stood there in front of his apartment door. Eventually he shook himself from his stupor and threw away his last two beer bottles into the recycling. His chest hurt, he wanted to cry but he had used up all of his tears last night with Lily. He reached on his toes for the cabinet above his refrigerator where he kept a stash of hard liquor. There was an unopened bottle of gin with his name on it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warnings** : Cheating. Sex.

[Wormtail]

  
**Peter** [10:29]: What’re you up to today Moons?  
  
**Remus** [10:40]: It’s too early.  
  
**Peter** [10:43]: It’s almost 11?  
  
**Remus** [10:45]: I think I’m suffering from alcohol poisoning. I’ve never been this sick in my life. Google says that I have cancer.  
  
**Peter** [10:45]: Are you going to see Reg today? Want to go with me?

 **Remus** [10:46]: When?

 **Peter** [10:46]: 2ish?

 **Remus** [10:47]: I’ll be there.

* * *

“Nice shades,” Peter said as soon as he spotted Remus waiting for him outside of the hospital.

The sunglasses were pitch black and prescription so Remus didn’t even have to take them off and switch them out. He had purged the last two days of alcohol out of his system to the best of his ability and then ate the greasiest meal that he could scrounge together.

“Thanks,” Remus yawned. “I’ve spent the last two days drunk.”

Peter snorted as they walked into Mt. Sinai, going through security and providing their ID’s for visitor stickers. “Please don’t tell me you were drinking alone.”

“Unfortunately,” Remus followed behind Peter as they entered an elevator. He ignored the curious glances from other visitors as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

The smell of antiseptic was strong, and the temperature was kept colder than Remus was comfortable with. Still, it was a nice hospital, with large windows and plenty of lighting, and rooms that were a decent size.

“I’m actually really glad you agreed to come with me,” Peter admitted while he led the way toward Regulus’ room. “I’m pretty anxious about being here.”

“I understand,” Remus told him, and he did. He was anxious too, the nerves in his chest had not alleviated since Friday and have only gotten worse as the weekend dragged on. Especially now, with every step closer to Regulus.

“Here we go,” Peter motioned to room 505. He softly knocked on the door before opening it and peeking inside. “Hey.” He greeted whoever was in the room before letting himself and Remus in.

Regulus was ashen, his cheeks were sunken in and his black hair was greasy against his forehead. Remus had never seen him as looking anything other and impeccable. The tubes in his throat and machines surrounding him were striking. His heart beeped on the monitor as the machine beside it forced air into his lungs.

Sirius peered up at them, gray eyes dark and face pinched tightly. He was sitting down beside his brother, holding onto Regulus’ hand. “Hey.”

There was a woman sitting beside him, looking up at both Remus and Peter curiously. Curly blond hair fell down towards her elbows, bright blue eyes and freckles smattering her cheeks. She was pretty in a way that Remus couldn't’ quite place. She reminded him of the sun, bright and warm. A stark contrast to Sirius. Together they were silver and gold, black and white, the night sky and the middle of a sunny day. She must’ve been Marlene. The girlfriend.

Sirius stood up as Peter approached him, accepting the tight hug that Peter gave out.

“Hey Pete,” Sirius gave him a weak smile as they parted. His gaze flicked over to Remus for a moment, and Remus was glad to be wearing sunglasses.

“Shit man,” Peter stared down at Regulus, his eyes already shining with unshed tears. He took in a wobbly breath and brought a fist to his mouth as he took it all in. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded while running a hand through his hair. “You just missed James and Lily.”

“James willingly left?” Peter asked.

“I had to ask Lily to get him out of here. He kind of lost it and I didn’t need that.”

Remus ignored the menial conversation that the two were having, he was certain that Marlene was being introduced, but he didn’t care. Instead, he pushed his sunglasses up onto his hairline, not caring how the fluorescent lighting hurt his eyes. He stood beside Regulus, reaching down and grasping the other man’s cool hand within his own. He chewed on his lower lip and blinked a few dozen times to clear his blurred vision.

Regulus and he had been friends. Almost best friends. The last time they had seen each other had been a month ago, they had done an Escape Room together and went to dinner afterward. It was there that Regulus bitched about Sirius (half-jokingly), and nettled Remus on dumping Gilderoy already.

He wasn’t going to ask when Sirius was going to take Regulus off of life support. He didn’t really want to know, but Remus realized this would be the last time he’d see Regulus. He smoothed his thumb over Regulus’ knuckles before letting his friend go.

Peter’s large hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he looked over at him with wide eyes. Wide because Remus was quite sure he was about to start crying right there, and he knew Sirius didn’t need that. Remus moved to allow Peter his moment, he met Marlene’s eyes but didn’t say a word to her.

“I think I’m going to get some coffee,” Sirius stated. It was then that Remus noticed the dark smudges underneath his eyes and the worry lines on his forehead.

“I’ll get it for you,” Remus offered, “mostly milk and sugar, right?”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded.

“I’ll go with you,” Marlene suddenly spoke up, her English accent startling. “I need some too.”

Well, it wasn’t as if Remus could deny her joining him. He wanted to get out of the room anyway, the sight of Regulus caused what felt like an elephant to sit on his chest. He controlled his breathing and allowed his sunglasses to cover his face again. He was angry at Regulus, and the rational part of him knew that he was already beginning to mourn. Remus could only imagine what Sirius was feeling.

They head toward the visitor break room in silence.

It wasn’t until Remus was pouring Sirius’ coffee that Marlene finally spoke up.

“You and Regulus were close?” Marlene asked as she stirred her own beverage.

Remus nodded, “yes. We grew up together.”

“I never got the chance to meet him,” Marlene stated sadly, “he always visited while I was away.”

Remus wondered if Regulus did that on purpose. Planned his trip so that he wouldn’t have to deal with his brother’s current beau. It sounded like something petty his friend would have done. Regulus was quite vocal over the fact that he hated that Sirius and Remus had broken up and that he was not pleased with his brother’s choice in his current partner. Which was a little ridiculous, seeing as Regulus had never even met her. It caused an affectionate warmth to bloom in Remus’ chest, fucking Regulus.

“He was funny, in a sarcastic way. Very witty,” Remus told her before sampling the coffee. Not sweet enough. He added two more packets of sugar. “I loved Regulus like a brother.”

Was it too soon to be using past tense on someone who was still technically alive? Remus was bracing himself for the inevitable.

“I loved him the way I love James or Peter, there are no words for it.” Remus continued, though he wasn’t sure why. Who was this stranger and why did she care? She probably didn’t, but she appeared to be curious about Remus and all of Sirius’ American friends and family. He wondered if Sirius spoke about them at all. He took another sample of the coffee and nodded to himself, perfect.

“What about Sirius?” Marlene asked while she casually flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“I’m sorry?” Remus turned toward her. He knew it was rude to not remove his sunglasses, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was being as polite as he could be, and it was difficult when a part of him wanted to sob about the unfairness of Regulus’ situation.

“You said that you love Regulus, James, and Peter as if they’re your brothers. You didn't mention Sirius.” Marlene pointed out. Her face deeply frowned, and Remus could tell she was becoming angry. Probably on Sirius’ behalf, after all, who exactly was Remus to her?

Remus chewed his bottom lip as he weighed his words. He swallowed another sip of coffee and stood straight so that he was about two inches taller than Marlene. So that he could peer down at her, to fully get her attention. “My love for Sirius would never be even remotely similar to how I feel about the others. I’m going back to the room now.”

Peter and Sirius were talking in hushed tones when they entered the room. Heads close and voices low, as if being too loud would wake Regulus up.

“Thank you,” Sirius said as he took the styrofoam cup of coffee from Remus. “Andy just texted and told me that she and Cissy are going to come by after work today.”

Remus nodded, he wanted to offer to stay with Sirius throughout it all, but it wasn’t his place. Marlene was there, Sirius had her to rely on and Remus wasn’t sure what good he would do by being there too. Except for the fact that he knew it would have been what Regulus had wanted.

“Would you like us to stay?” _Would_ _you_ _like_ _me_ _to stay_? Remus asked cautiously. Peter would stay, but he wasn’t sure how Marlene would handle it. Then again, what did that matter?

“Thank you,” Sirius muttered softly, avoiding his eye, “but I’ll be okay.”

It was a lie that rolled off of his tongue and hung in the air between them. Remus frowned and Sirius shrugged and they looked away from each other. Peter shifted awkwardly for a moment before he pulled Sirius into another hug.

Peter and Remus left the hospital together quietly, neither uttering a word until they were back on the street.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Peter let out, his entire body seemed to sag. “Just, fuck. You know?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah.”

“You should be up there,” Peter told him, “Reg would’ve wanted you up there.”

Remus shook his head, “I’m respecting Sirius’ wishes.”

“Fuck Sirius. We both know Reg, he may not have wanted me or James or Lily there. Hell, he wouldn’t want Marlene there, but you? Remus, you’re like another brother to him. You need to be up there.” Peter’s arms flail about as he spoke, causing a few people to look their way. “Sirius only said ‘no’ because his girlfriend was there.”

Leave it to Peter to point out the obvious.

Remus sighed and swallowed uselessly. He took off his sunglasses again and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sirius is going through a lot right now, I don’t want to make this harder on him than it already is.”

“You being there won’t make it harder -”

“Pete it’s been almost three years since we’ve even spoken to each other. What makes you think that my being there would be easier for him?”

They stared at each other. The late afternoon sunlight beamed down between the highrises, leaving them in cool shadow. The moved out of the way of foot traffic, leaning against the face of the building and staring at the gum littered sidewalk. Remus tried his best to calm himself down, the pressure in his chest overwhelming now. Peter wasn’t wrong, Regulus would want Remus there. But Regulus was gone now, all that was left was a shell.

Peter tugged at the end of a dreadlock, he wet his lips and cleared his throat. “Look, I’m not going to pretend to understand why you two broke up. You guys were so intense all the time, I can see how you’d burn out, but this isn’t about your two. It’s about Regulus.”

Ah, that was the feeling that was pressing down upon Remus since entering the building. Guilt. He felt so guilty, he didn’t want to leave Regulus alone like that. He wanted to stay seated at his side, he wanted to stay beside Sirius. He always did.

“Fuck you,” Remus blinked away the tears in his eyes, his words were soft. “Fuck you, Peter.”

Peter scoffed, “Yeah, I thought so. Get your ass back up there.”

Remus nodded and wiped at his face before entering the hospital for the second time. When he made his way back to Regulus’ room, both Marlene and Sirius froze in their seats.

“I’m staying,” He told Sirius firmly.

Sirius nearly knocked his chair over as he stood and dragged Remus into a tight hug. His face burrowed into Remus’ neck and his hot breath wet against Remus’ collar. Their height difference made it awkward, but Remus held him back just as fiercely.

* * *

“How’re you feeling?” Alice asked him early Monday morning before any of their students were due to enter the classroom.

“Horrible,” Remus answered her, he adjusted his glasses and gave her a weak smile. “It’s been a terrible weekend.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Alice went fully into the classroom, a thermos of something in her hand. She delicately placed it on top of Remus’ desk. “You’re almost done packing your room up!”

“Yeah, my class has been making a game of emptying out the classroom before they leave for summer. We’re doing quite well.” Remus took in the empty walls and bookshelves. He had been gradually packed everything up over the last two weeks to prevent having to rush. That, and if he managed to get all of his grades in by Friday then he wouldn’t have to come back for post planning. “What’s in the thermos?”

“Mary made you chicken noodle soup from scratch,” Alice waggled her eyebrows. “She really liked you, you made a good impression.”

“That’s very kind of her,” Remus stated, Friday had felt like a lifetime ago. The weekend had been entirely too long and he had honestly forgotten all about Mary. He tried to focus on what Alice was saying but his mind went back to Sunday evening. Seeing Alphard and Andy and Cissy. The hugs and tears, staying until visiting hours were well past over and the nurses had to shoo them out.

Alphard taking him out to dinner before dropping him off back home on the way to his bar.

Sirius’ lingering gaze and hands before Remus left.

“You are so out of it!” Alice’s voice interrupts.

Remus blinked at her, “sorry.”

She rolled her pretty brown eyes at him and shrugged, “I’ll give you a pass since you were puking all weekend. You’re not contagious, are you?”

“I don’t think so. You would have gotten it by now, right? You’re around me so much.”

Before she could say anything back, the first bell rang and students began to trickle into the room. Remus threw her a smile and placed the thermos into his desks largest drawer for later. He forced his mind to focus on his students and their last days before summer vacation.

* * *

[Group Chat: Bucktail]

 **James** [13:54]: He’s gone.

 **Peter** [13:54]: Fuck.

 **Remus** [14:55]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [14:57]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [14:58]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [14:59]: _Typing…_

 **Remus** [15:01]: Who’s with Sirius?

Remus hadn’t seen the message until an hour later on his way home from work. He stared down at his phone and almost missed his train stop. He bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from screaming. He blinked until his eyes were dry.

The sky was a bright, clear, blue. It seemed a bit unfair for the weather to be cheerful when Regulus was dead. Remus felt numb, he knew that this was going to happen, he knew it was only a matter of time, he had said his goodbye on Sunday. That didn’t prevent his heart from feeling as if it were shattering. Grief was heavy and as much as he wanted to curl up at a bus stop he carried on.

He stopped by the Chinese restaurant a few blocks away from his apartment to order dinner. Not that he wanted dinner, but his body would need the food sometime, and he didn’t want to cook. He didn’t trust his hands to know how to do much with what was in his refrigerator.

It was Wednesday, an entire week since Gilderoy had broken up with him, but that didn’t matter. Regulus was dead. His mind whirled as he thought about Sirius. Fuck, how was Sirius?

Remus adjusted the straps of his bookbag and made sure that the bag of food in his hands was stable before walking the two blocks home. His apartment was at the corner, a bodega took up the ground floor. Remus lived on the top floor and was just about to hit his stoop when he noticed a figure sitting there.

Black hair spilled over the knees of the man who was curled in on himself.

“Sirius,” Remus’ voice was soft.

Sirius stood up, he kept his gaze on the ground as Remus unlocked the door that led into his building and then began the trek of the three flights of stairs until they reached his unit. Sirius closed and locked the door behind them while Remus went into the kitchen to put his food and bag down.

Remus debated on going into his stash of liquor again. He had whiskey in there.

“I just don’t understand,” Sirius’ voice made him jump. Remus hadn’t expected him to say much of anything. Sirius rubbed at his face and finally looked up at Remus, his gray eyes were red-rimmed and his bottom lip was puffy and red from chewing on it. “He was such a fucking idiot.”

“Si,” Remus sighed before his arms were full of Sirius.

His nose was tickled by Sirius’ hair and his arms were encircling Sirius’ waist as the other man bent down into him. Remus rubbed at his back soothingly, not uttering another word as Sirius hiccupped against him. There were no tears, although that wasn’t for lack of trying. Sirius’ body was going through the motions without producing, but that was fine, Remus didn’t expect anything else.

Remus didn’t want to tell him that it would be okay, because, despite the fact that it was true, it wasn’t something that a person wanted to hear right off when experiencing death. Sirius didn’t want false placating or cooed assurances, he was better off being held quietly. Remus wondered if Marlene knew where he was if she was worried out of her mind. He wondered if Marlene knew that Sirius was reckless and short-sighted and would’ve done something stupid had Remus not gone straight home.

Remus took in a shuddering breath and felt his own eyes sting, felt his nose heat and his mouth tremble. Only unlike the man in his arms his tears did fall. He cried softly, placing his cheek against Sirius’ crown and catching his breath with every gasp. He couldn’t stop them once they began and allowed for the current of sorrow to wash over him, allowed Sirius to grip him tighter.

Fucking Regulus.

When they finally pulled away, Remus wiped at his face and sniffled uselessly, he knew his nose was still red and his mouth was swollen. Sirius didn’t appear to be any better off, yet there was something in his genetics because he still looked beautiful even in the midst of mourning.

Without a word, Remus reached for two cups that were on the drying rack and filled them both with water from the tap before passing one to Sirius, who took it gratefully and drank it in two gulps.

“I don’t mean to impose,” Sirius said as he placed his empty glass in the sink. “I couldn’t think of where else I could go.”

Remus wanted to point out that Sirius could have gone to James’ place. Or Peter’s. Or Andy’s, Alphard's, Cissy’s or even home to his girlfriend. Not made his way across the city to his ex-boyfriend’s home without telling anyone else where he was going. He didn’t say any of that, no matter how much he wanted to.

Instead, he nodded as he drank his own water. It was fine that Sirius was there because Remus would be worried otherwise.

“And, I just,” Sirius took in a shaky breath and ran a hand through his hair. “I just-”

“It’s okay,” Remus stated while placing his cup on the counter. “I want you to be here, it’s okay.”

They were close again, foreheads pressed together as they held onto each other.

“Regulus is dead,” Sirius whispered, a single tear made its way down his cheek and his mouth trembled. His voice wobbled and he closed his eyes tightly. “He’s gone.”

Remus couldn’t help but bring his hands up into Sirius’ hair, he tucked a few strands behind his ears. “I know.” He said softly.

They shared the same breath for a few minutes. Remus with his hands in Sirius’ hair, and Sirius with his hands on Remus’ hips. And Remus wasn’t quite sure how it happened, he wasn’t sure who out of the two of them closed the small gap between them, but their lips were suddenly touching. Softly, barely there, touches. Unhurried and innocent, and proof that they were still alive, they were still there, together. Then Sirius shifted his head and their tongues touched. It caused a jolt of arousal to course through Remus, and he knew that he should pull away. He should stop this before it kept going, but he couldn’t.

They kissed in a way that was both familiar and new. Their mouths met, tongues danced and chests touched. Their bodies fell into place perfectly.

When they broke apart, Sirius began to kiss his way toward Remus’ jaw, down his throat, toward his collar.

“Sirius,” Remus whispered, his head tilted to the side to allow the other man better access to his skin. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Re,” Sirius’ voice vibrated against Remus’ Adams apple.

That was all it took for Remus’ already weak resolve to crumble into dust. He was going into this with both eyes wide open and with the knowledge that someone was going to end up hurt after it was all said and done. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to care too much about the possibility of his future heartbreak, because Regulus was dead and Sirius was here. Alive.

When Sirius gently tugged Remus to the bedroom, Remus put up no resistance and followed.

The room is dim, sunlight peeking through closed blinds. Sirius’ eyes wandered all over Remus’ face, and then he cupped his jaw and leaned down, and they were kissing again. Mouths quivering as they melded together, jaws working as their tongues met.

When they broke away, Sirius’ hands made it to Remus’ hips and his mouth latched onto the base of his throat. Kissing and nibbling, keeping his touch light.

His calloused fingers crept underneath Remus’ shirt, cool fingers against hot skin.

“May I?” Sirius' gaze was unbearably soft.

It was a question that Remus should answer as ‘no’, he should try again to stop this, to prevent going further. He felt entirely too weak to deny this man before him anything and what fell out of his mouth was a nearly silent, “ _yes_.”

His shirt was pulled up over his head, and Remus was left a little dazed as Sirius stepped away to peel his own top off. His body had changed, it was thicker, his abdominals more defined, his shoulders broader. It made Remus suddenly aware of how soft his own body was in comparison.

Sirius maintained eye contact as he unbuttoned his jeans, and Remus swallowed what little saliva that he had as he mirrored the motions. Until they were left in nothing but their underwear, staring at one another. Drinking the sight of the other in.

When their bodies met again, it was a bit of a shock. Hot skin against hot skin. Remus’ body was singing at the feel of Sirius against him. Arousal beginning to run its course through his veins, and he took in a shaky breath in-between kisses. He had missed Sirius, and having him under Remus’ hands made him feel as if he were a starving man finally given a meal.

Sirius’ large palms traced the wings of Remus’ back, his waist, his hips. Until the tips of his fingers found their way underneath the band of Remus’ underwear. Until his palms were kneading at the area there, which caused Remus’ to arch into him further.

They were still standing by the bed. Sirius’ mouth latched onto Remus’ collar, tongue tracing around the bone before his teeth followed, and then he was sucking at the area. Remus’ own fingers were grasping at Sirius’ hair as he tilted his head back. In some distant place in Remus’ mind, he was glad that the mark would be somewhere that typically wasn’t visible.

Sirius kissed along his throat and his hands reached around to cup Remus, calloused fingers wrapped around Remus’ cock.

“Fuck,” Remus gasped. He had forgotten how sure Sirius’ grip always was. Even now, when Sirius’ touch was soft and barely registering fully, he was confident with his movements. He knew what he was doing and how to do it to Remus.

He felt the tug of the material being drawn down, and eventually, his boxers just fell the rest of the way on their own, leaving Remus nude.

  
Sirius pulled away for a second time, taking off the remainder of his clothes as well.

“Bed?” He asked. He was half hard and Remus couldn’t help but stare at the sight of his genitals on display. Pretty cock going slightly to the left, uncut and thick, flushed darkly at the tip that peaked out from his foreskin.

“Yeah,” Remus nodded. He crawled onto his bed until his head rested on the pillows, and he spread his legs to make room for Sirius.

Sirius, however, took his time. His hands trailed up Remus’ thighs, deliberately ignoring his cock as he felt his hips and the soft skin under Remus’ belly button. Fingers grazing through the light hair there and moving further up. He skimmed Remus’ nipples and Sirius slowly draped his body between Remus’ legs.

The weight of Sirius above him caused Remus to sigh. He felt no remorse for what they were about to do, he supposed that just meant that he was a horrible person. He loved Sirius, he had missed him so much. Remus opened his mouth to say something, anything, they still had a chance to stop. He didn’t want to stop, he wanted Sirius to stay. He wanted Sirius all to himself. Because Remus was a selfish bastard.

Instead of saying anything, Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ shoulders and brought him down into another kiss.


	4. Chapter 4

It was no surprise to see James on his sofa when he arrived home on Friday evening.

Remus took his shoes off and dropped his bag onto the foyer floor. He had stayed at work late to finish inputting his grades, and then he had taken the last box from his classroom to the storage unit he and Alice split over the summers. He didn’t have to go back to school for post-planning, except for on Wednesday when the End of the Year Luncheon was occurring. He would go for the free food.

James watched him, hazel eyes narrowed from behind his glasses and his mouth was twisted into a heavy frown. That was his disapproving look, it was such an uncommon expression for him that his face looked uncomfortable.

“You know,” Remus began as he walked to his kitchen to begin making himself something for dinner, “I gave you that key in case of an emergency.”

James was still frowning, though now he was by the kitchen’s entryway, arms folded across his chest. “Remus.”  
The refrigerator was shorter than Remus, so he had to bend low to reach anything from the bottom shelves. He heaved a sigh and closed the fridge door firmly, keeping his hand on the door as he turned to give James his undivided attention. He felt as if he needed something to keep him grounded as he stood up straight.

“I can’t believe you,” James huffed.

Remus rolled his eyes, “be more specific.”

He knew exactly what James was talking about. He knew why James was disappointed. Remus wished he could bring himself to feel disappointment over what he and Sirius had done. He wished that he had put Marlene at the front of his mind, yet all he could grasp was that Regulus was dead, but he and Sirius were not. That Sirius was there, in his bedroom, on top of him, inside of him, kissing him and whispering sweet nothings into his ears. As if they hadn’t been apart for years. As if no time had passed at all.

“You and Sirius,” James glared, “he told me what happened.”

Of course, he did, because Sirius and James rarely kept anything from each other. Remus wondered if Sirius felt guilty. Had Sirius ever felt any remorse for his actions? He couldn’t remember Sirius ever being apologetic about anything.

“That we fucked?” Remus shrugged and turned fully, letting go of the fridge. “Can you really not believe that?”

James choked on air before he spoke, “Jesus Christ, do you _hear_ yourself sometimes?”

“Yes, well,” Remus shrugged, his appetite dissipated, “last I checked you weren’t my father. Contrary to what you may believe, I don’t need you to tell me what a terrible decision it was. What we did was fucked up to Marlene, but what can be done about it now? We had sex, James.”

“I know it’s none of my business -”

“At least you’ve realized -”

“But, Remus, are you going to come out and tell him that you still love him?” James asked outright.

Remus winced. He let his gaze shift over the counter and bar, into the living room. He stared out of the windows which faced the street and buildings across. He wondered what would happen at the funeral on Saturday, how things would be dealt with. He wondered if Sirius told Marlene, or if she would forgive him, if they would fly back to France together once everything was said and done with. Remus wondered if that Wednesday night was going to be the last time in his life that he would be able to have Sirius in his arms.

Realistically, he knew that Sirius could have (should have) gone home, he could have gone anywhere, he didn’t have to seek out his ex-boyfriend. He didn’t have to kiss Remus, and he sure as Hell didn’t have to make love to him. Because that’s what they had done, they had taken their time, they had been gentle. They had kissed so much that by the end of the night Remus’ mouth had been tender and swollen. The bedroom had been a safe place for a few hours. Their hands stroked at skin, their mouths softly pressed against sensitive areas, and Remus had a few love bites along his collar as a reminder that what they did had been real. They had cried together, light tears as they held onto one another. It was so intimate, something that Remus had never experienced before in his life.

In the morning they drank mugs of coffee together and ate jam covered toast. They walked to the train together and then had gone their separate ways. The last thing Remus had been told was that the funeral was for Saturday, Sirius had gently kissed his knuckles before letting him go.

“I don’t think this is the right time.” He eventually told James, coming back to their conversation. “Regulus just died, Jim.”

James made a wounded noise in the back of his throat. He took off his glasses and rubbed at his damp eyes. “I know. I know. I just - _fuck_ , why are you two so sloppy? Do you have a suit for tomorrow?”

Remus couldn’t answer the first question. Why were he and Sirius like this? Destructive. Unhealthy. Their love was intense, it burned brightly, it caused scars. They could easily drown in each other if they allowed it, no one else on the planet was as important. “I do have a suit.”

Neither of them brought up the fact that they were pallbearers.

James sniffled and nodded. “I asked him the same thing you know.”

 _Did_ he know? He could ask James if he had asked Sirius if he had a suit. But that would only annoy James and Remus didn’t feel like playing games.

“He still loves you too, otherwise he wouldn’t have come here instead of going home.” James meant after had Regulus died.

Remus knew this. He wasn’t stupid, and he knew Sirius quite well. “He’s emotional, he came to me for physical comfort. That’s all.”

“Right, because he doesn’t have a girlfriend for that,” James pointed out. “Because he couldn’t have come to me, or Peter, or any member of his remaining family.”

They glared at one another from opposite ends of the kitchen. Remus didn’t want to think about Marlene. She seemed like a nice person, she seemed to genuinely care about Sirius, and she didn’t deserve what they had done. No one deserved to be cheated on.

“Do you want a drink?” Remus eventually asked. He had a feeling that James wasn’t quite done yet.

“I shouldn’t, I’m having dinner with Lily tonight,” James ran a hand through his curls, causing them to become even wilder than they already were. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Remus nodded.

When James left, Remus sagged heavily and brought his phone out of his back pocket. No new messages. Nothing from Sirius. What did he expect?

He leaned forward with his elbows on the counter and clicked on his web app, the last chapter of Cara Mia was left open and waiting for him. It would be a good distraction.

He stood there and carefully made his way through the final chapter. He held his breath during some parts, wishing that Albus would gather the courage to tell Gellert what he felt (which was an irony that he wasn’t acknowledging). In the end, the characters parted ways with broken hearts and Remus resisted the urge to throw his phone across the apartment.

* * *

Andromeda was waiting for Remus at the front of the church the next day. The Catholic church was massive, it’s gothic architecture making way for pointed spirals and long stained windows. It was a stark contrast to the residential buildings around it.

People in various shades of black were slowly making their way in for the service. The sky was overcast, and the day was cooler than normal for early June.

Andromeda threw her arms around Remus and dragged him into a tight hug, her floral perfume invaded his senses. “We’ve saved you a seat next to Sirius.” She told him as she pulled away.

He wanted to ask if that was appropriate. To be in the front row with family, especially when Marlene was seated on Sirius’ other side. James, Lily, and Peter were directly behind them. He could have sat with them, he should have insisted on it. Instead, he in-between Dora and Sirius.

The casket was open for all to see, and Remus had to practice breathing to prevent himself from hyperventilating. Regulus looked like a wax figure of himself, skin smooth and lifeless. They had used too much blush on his face, and his hair was combed in a way that he used to wear as a boy. Remus knew that the man was Regulus, but he didn’t look like him.

When the service began, Remus was careful to not jump as he felt Sirius’ fingers lace through his own and hold onto him tightly.

Then it all became a blur. Remus blinked his eyes hard as he felt them heat up with unshed tears, beside him Dora cried openly, and Sirius held onto his hand so hard that he lost circulation. From behind him, he could hear Lily’s quiet sniffles, and Peter’s heavier breaths. The priest droned on prayer after prayer and blessings and psalms. Things that were unrecognizable to Remus, it all sounded like static.

Slowly he felt himself disassociate with the entire occasion. It hadn’t felt real. Not even with the weight of the casket was on his body as he, Sirius, James, Peter, Ted, and Alphard carried it out to the hearse. Not during the drive to the cemetery, or when the casket was lowered into the ground. Not when James openly sobbed into Lily’s shoulder or Narcissa allowed tears to fall silently down her face. Remus didn’t feel as if he were a part of it. The only thing he could fully recall was Sirius’ grip in his. They only separated when they went into different cars after the casket was lowered into the ground.

It wasn’t until Lily gently touched his shoulder that Remus came back to himself. By then they were parked down the block from the Black family home where everyone was gathering for food and coffee.

The house was full of family and friends. Chatting lowly and amicably, sharing stories or catching up.  
Remus talked briefly with a few people that he knew. He watched as James and Sirius escaped up the stairs toward the second landing, noticed how Peter skulked off after them a few minutes later. It almost felt as if they were in high school all over again. Remus detached himself from the conversation that surrounded him to use the restroom before he followed the other three.

Marlene cornered him as he walked out of the bathroom. They were the only two in the hallway and Remus knew that this confrontation was bound to happen. That it had been only a matter of time before Marlene pieced the puzzle of Remus and Sirius together. They had been obvious, and he knew it was disrespectful toward her. That it was wrong.

She’s beautiful. Soft and sweet and refreshed in a way that Remus could never manage to be. Her blond hair was in a clean chignon and her black dress was modest but complimented her curvy form.

Remus had avoided her, during the ceremony, during the burial, and even now he kept his gaze on their feet instead of looking up at her face. The guilt over what he had done had begun to eat at him as soon as he saw her in the church. He wished that he could go back and fight against his treacherous heart, he should have put a firm boundary down with Sirius. Remus couldn’t say that he regretted it, because he didn’t. He would never regret kissing or touching Sirius, and that just makes him feel even worse.

“Remus, right?” She asked him, although he knew that she knew his name.

“Marlene, right?” He found himself asking her back, a sardonic tilt on his lips. She blocked the exit into the main part of the house. He could make out other people’s voices from the living room and kitchen just beyond the hallway.

“Look,” Marlene narrowed her eyes up at him, “I’m glad that you’ve been here for Regulus and for Sirius. I know Sirius needs people that knew his brother to turn to. I understand, but, what I _don’t_ appreciate, is you taking advantage of my boyfriend while he’s this vulnerable.”

Remus almost hoped that she had slapped him instead. He could handle a physical attack. This? What could he say to this? His face must have shown his confusion because Marlene pressed on.

“I know he spent the night with you,” She hissed. She had every right to be thoroughly pissed off. “I know because he wouldn’t tell me where he went.”

“Is this honestly the time?” Remus found his voice and kept it low. A drag of a growl over his vocal cords, deeper than he had ever heard it come out. “You’re coming at me at a fucking funeral.”

“Did you two fuck?” Marlene questioned. Her nose was turning red and her voice wobbled.

Remus’ eyes fell down to her shoes. Black kitten heels with scuffs on the side from her walking incorrectly in them. She was slightly bow-legged, now that he paid attention to it. “Do you really want to know this?”

He could feel fresh tears spring back into his eyes. He had been on the verge of them all day, he hadn’t thought he had any left since the day Regulus died. Apparently his body was trying to get them out. The lump in his throat was too much and he swallowed uselessly around it.

“I just,” Marlene gasped and leaned against the wall, back hunched forward and arms crossing her stomach as she tried to breathe. “I can’t believe him. We’ve been together for two years.”

“It probably didn’t mean anything for him,” Remus muttered although he wasn't sure if he was talking about he and Sirius having sex, or Sirius and Marlene's relationship. His eyes now moved onto the wooden floor. It was old and grooved downwards in some parts, the wood saggy with age. He followed it to the wall with its dark green wallpaper. The ceiling had a crack by the light fixture. His gaze went everywhere but on the woman whose heart he had a hand in breaking.

“Like that makes this better?” Marlene snapped, “why am I even talking to you? I should, I should punch you!”

“I’m not the one who cheated on you,” Remus rubbed at his face, and then at his hair. He tugged on it before smoothing it back down. That was a cruel thing to say, but he was angry as well. Why should he be the one to deal with this? Why wasn’t Sirius here instead?

“Am I interrupting something?” Lily’s voice was like a breath of fresh air and Remus had never been more relieved to see her than at that very moment.

Remus gave her an awkward shrug and crept his way out of the hallway, silently thanking Lily for stepping in when things were becoming painful. He didn’t go directly upstairs to Sirius’ bedroom, instead, he went outside the front door and stood out on the pavement. Away from the stoop. He shoved his hands in his pocket and gulped the warm air down quickly.

Why was he here? Regulus died, yes. He went to the funeral and held Sirius’ hand the entire time. Sirius, who had a girlfriend who apparently loved him. Sirius, who had been ignoring her the entire time he had been home in New York. Sirius was a horrible person, but so was Remus. They matched.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood out there, staring up at the sky. He debated leaving without another word, of never re-entering the old house again. He had no need to, there was nothing really tying him to Sirius now. Not even James or Peter. Remus could leave and never look back.

Idly, he wondered how Gilderoy was doing. Was he in Germany now? Would he mind Remus visiting for the summer? Not as anything romantic, but as a friend? Probably not. They could explore Germany together. That was a stupid fantasy to have.

The sweet smell of clove cigarettes floated toward him and Remus resisted the urge to sigh. He didn’t want to turn around, he knew Sirius was sitting on the stoop, black cigarette being puffed. Remus could already imagine him with his sleeves rolled to his elbows and legs spread far apart as he sat on the front step.

“We thought you’d go upstairs with us,” Sirius muttered.

Remus turned on his heel and walked away.

“Hey!” Sirius called out, and the sound of his dress shoes hitting the sidewalk as he ran to catch up made Remus’ heart race. “Where the fuck are you going?”

“Home,” Remus answered, his voice clipped. He brought his phone out of his pocket to search for the nearest train stop. With luck, it wouldn’t be too far.

Sirius reached out to him and grabbed Remus by the elbow, turning him around to face him. “What the fuck, Lupin? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you leaving?”

Remus kept his eyes on his phone as he logged into his commuter app. “What else would I do?”

“Without even saying goodbye?” Sirius threw his forgotten cigarette onto the ground and stomped it out before reaching down to pick up the bud. He would throw it away properly later. When he finally got to look at Remus’ face he paused, “what happened?”

“Your girlfriend,” Remus cleared his throat and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He took a step away from Sirius and stood up straight. He was still roughly four inches shorter, but to have his shoulders back and his chest out made him feel steadier. “What are we doing, Sirius? What do you want from me?”

“I - _what_?”

“Regulus is,” At this Remus cleared his throat again, but the lump was still firmly there. “We, you, _we_ cheated on your girlfriend. Your _girlfriend_! Who flew across the world to be here with you in your time of need. To be by your side. You’ve been with her for two years!”

Remus wanted to scream all of this, but the more he wished to yell the softer his voice became. Until his tone was little more than a soft whisper. He chewed on his lower lip hard enough to draw blood, and then sucked on the tender skin.

“Did she say something to you?” Sirius asked, his eyes narrowed. “At my brothers _funeral_?”

“Which leads me this question, _why_ are you out here a block away from your house, chasing down your ex-boyfriend when you should be inside with your family?” Remus clenched his hands into fists to prevent them from flying into the air.

“Re -”

“No,” Remus shook his head, “I buried one of my best friends today. I buried your brother. _You_ buried your brother! You’ve been jerking me around since you got back to New York and I just, I can’t. I can’t do this anymore with you.” Ah, there were the tears. Finally. Remus hated them as he wiped at his face. “I just can’t, Sirius.”

Sirius looked away from him, he watched a car pass by. He counted his breaths before he finally turned back to Remus. “I’m still in love with you.”

Remus closed his eyes tightly, “don’t say that.”

“I’ve _always_ been in love with you. Even when you ended things -”

“You left the country!”

“You told me to never come back!”

Angry Sirius was something Remus could work with. Angry Sirius was who he dealt with for most of their childhoods. He knew how to talk his way around this version of the man.

“Be rational,” Remus pleaded. The sun was starting to slowly set, haloing behind Sirius. “You’re going through a lot right now.”

“Tell me you don’t love me then. Tell me that you’re not still in love with me too and I’ll drop this.”

“Sirius-”

“Tell me!”

Remus shook his head. He could lie, he _should_ lie, he should walk away and never turn back. They had been apart for years.

“Sirius,” Remus tried again, “is now really the right time for this?”

“Remus,” Sirius’ brows furrowed and his mouth was in a thin line. Anger was radiating off of him in waves as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “My brother is dead. He was a fucking dumbass who overdosed, he fell off of the wagon and lost his life for it. Before that, Regulus was always needling me about you. Not because he missed you being a part of our family, I know for a fact that you two still talked, but because he knew how I felt about you.

“I’ve been with Marlene for two years, you dated Gilderoy for a while, but when I saw you last Friday, I couldn’t keep staying away from you. I can’t keep pretending like I’ve been okay being away from you, I can’t keep doing this to myself.”

They stared at each other for a few moments. Sirius’ words hung in the air surrounding them, and Remus couldn’t help but feel them under his skin. What were they doing? He felt as if they were beating a dead horse with this.

Remus thought of Regulus, how adamant Regulus had been that Remus made a mistake when he ended things with Sirius. How Regulus was very vocal over the fact that both Sirius and Remus was stupid and how annoyed he was when both men would ask him how the other was doing. Regulus, who used to randomly text Remus to make sure he was still eating. Regulus, who still stayed in contact with Remus despite the fact that Remus was no longer dating his brother.

“I don’t understand,” Remus admitted. This was too much, _too much_. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, he squeezed his eyes shut and when he opened them again Sirius was still there, watching his every movement. Memorizing him. Maybe Sirius thought this would be the last time they would see each other too.

“You’re one of the smartest men that I know, what don’t you understand?” Sirius’ voice was soft. An intimate whisper that was only meant for Remus.

Behind Sirius Remus could see James coming out of the Black household and standing on the stoop, probably looking for the two of them. James sat on the front step, eyes kept trained on them from down the street.

“Tell me you don’t love me,” Sirius repeated again. He took a step closer and had lowered himself so that Remus had no choice but to look him in the eye. “I love _you_.”

“You can’t just bully this out of me!” Remus hissed. He could feel his face heat up. Sirius’ face broke into a smile, which only annoyed him and made him want to push Sirius away. “You’re so fucking irritating, and you have a girlfriend. A good one, who cares about you and probably loves you and you probably love her too.”

“I’ll break up with her.”

“You're such a terrible human being.”

“Come back inside with me,” Sirius stood up straight and glanced behind him. He nodded at James when he noticed him. “Don’t go home yet. Please stay.”

“I’m not going back in there with Marlene,” Remus just couldn’t cause himself or her more pain than he already had. He couldn’t bring himself to do that, despite the fact that it was practically his family in the house, he wasn’t that shitty of a person.

Sirius nodded, although it was obvious that he didn’t like it. “Okay, do you want me to go with you?”

“No, you should be in there with your family,” Remus rubbed at his face. He was done with this conversation, he was done with all of this. “I’ll see you later.”

Remus walked away again, and this time no one chased after him or joined him.

When he got home he took off all of his clothes on the way to his bedroom. It was early evening, his stomach was rumbling with hunger, but he ignored it as he flopped face down onto his bed and tried to breathe. He hated himself so much at that moment.

* * *

[Wormtail]

 **Peter** [19:54]: You ok?

 **Remus** [19:54]: Yeah.

 **Peter** [19:55]: Good.

* * *

 [Lily Flower]

 **Lily** [20:36]: Thanks for leaving me with Marlene.

 **Lily** [20:37]: She didn’t cause a scene until all of the family left. It was just me and James there.

 **Lily** [20:37]: She broke up with Sirius. James and I drove her to her friend’s house. Honestly Re, what were you thinking?

 **Remus** [20:39]: I haven’t been thinking.

 **Lily** [20:42]: Are you going to be okay?

 **Remus** [20:50]: Why is no one asking Sirius this?

 **Lily** [20:51]: Peter and James are with him now.

 **Remus** [20:54]: That’s good.

* * *

Remus was jolted awake by his apartment buzzer going off. He rubbed at his eyes and checked his phone. It was almost midnight. Granted, it was Saturday, but he had been emotionally drained upon coming home and had dozed the remainder of his day away. He chose to ignore it and it stopped. As Remus began to fall back into a deep sleep he heard his front door open.

“Hey! Loopy Lupin, get your ass up!” James practically shouted. “Don’t tell me you’re actually asleep.”

“Dude, I told you,” Peter scolded and Remus could hear the sound of plastic bags being rested on top of a table. “We should have called first.”

“No, fuck that,” James’ voice was so obnoxious. “Pads, go wake up sleeping beauty. We’re gonna celebrate Regulus right. Don’t open that yet Worm, I know that Moons has some shitty tequila in his kitchen somewhere.”

That made more sense. His friends had come to him to get shit-faced off of cheap alcohol and trade stories. Something that they had probably attempted to do at the actual funeral, but Remus’ interaction with Marlene put a wrench in those plans.

The sound of Sirius’ footsteps coming toward his door made his heart skip a beat.

His bedroom door opened gently, the light from the kitchen and living room was plenty for Sirius to see.

“Hey Moony,” Sirius hadn’t called him that in years, the bed dipped as he crawled on top of the covers to get closer, “are you going to get up now?”

Remus watched curiously as Sirius curled toward him so that they were facing one another. He knew they didn’t have much time before James stormed into the room and demanded Remus join them. Peter could only hold James back for so long. Remus took in the way Sirius’ hair fell over the pillow, and how his beard was such a stark contrast to his skin.

“I do love you,” Remus found himself murmuring. “I’m just terrified.”

Sirius nodded. He didn’t ask why; he didn’t say anything. Instead, he reached over and raked his fingers in Remus' hair, moving it away from his forehead. “I know.”

Then Sirius leaned over and kissed him. Soft and sure and slow. This was probably a bad idea, _they_ were probably a bad idea, but Remus melted into it.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on **[tumblr](https://moonllotus.tumblr.com/)**!


End file.
